On Friendship

I haven't cried in a long time, but last night I did. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I have lost so many friends since Griffin died and every time it hurts worse. I'm not saying they were all lost because he died but because I changed due to his death. I've done my best to stay the same but it's impossible when you go through such a traumatic and life altering loss. I feel like it's so easy for people to toss me aside like I never even mattered. I try so hard to be strong but the weight of it all is too much. 

I may be too blunt sometimes or cuss way to much or be too emotional but that's just who I am and it shouldn't negate the good parts of me. Even with those faults I know I am a good friend. I won't judge you or put your down. I won't fold to other peoples perceptions about you. I'm not fake. I'm not a bully. I don't try to be something I'm not or portray my life in a way that it's not to make others feel bad. I'm truly happy for my friends when anything good come their way. I would do anything for my friends and I always try to bring people together. 

But I'm still too much for some people and it hurts to be excluded, even when you are an adult. Making new friends has been really hard which makes losing the old ones even worse. It has taken very special people to love us through a loss that they weren't a part of and accept Griffin even though they never knew him. I'm so grateful for those people. 

Life is messy and if you spend your time only trying to show the good parts you are going to miss out on a lot of lessons. I was forced to show my complete vulnerability and it's been painful but it's made me a more caring person. 

I guess I wrote this to document how I feel right now so that I can hopefully look back one day from a better place. I also want people to know that being selectively kind is not really being a kind person and pretending to be a good person does not make you one. 

My middle son.

As Griffin’s 4th heavenly Birthday gets closer I have been thinking about all the things that remind me of him daily. Things that make me realize how tied into our family he truly is.

All of our boys were born around holidays. Bennett right after Easter, Griffin before Christmas and Bowen in between Halloween and Thanksgiving. My little holiday babies.

Their birth days are 12, 14 and 15. I was going to wait until the 16th to have Bowen but that didn’t work out. They were all early. 2 weeks, 7 weeks and 4 weeks.

They would be 8, 4 and 2 soon. My niece Stella and Griffin would both be 4 for a few months. I never Really let it sink in how close in age they are. I know they would be the best of friends.

We always wonder what he would be like now. Calm and sweet like Bennett or wild and crazy like Bowen. Would his hair have lightened to blonde like Bowen or stayed dark like Bennett’s. What would life be like with 3 boys? Would we have even had Bowen?

It’s hard losing your middle child. You lose a big part of your family story. The loss is punctuated by the 6 years between our oldest and youngest that people always comment on. We have one child who knew him and one who never did. Even though Bennett was super young he will always share memories with us that Bowen won’t have. I regret not letting Bennett spend more time with him. I refeeat A lot of people both friends and family that never got to meet him.

A lot of regrets weigh heavily on me to this day but when I see signs from him it helps calm the anxiety. Finding a penny in a strange place, a helicopter flying over, a truck emblazoned with his name driving by me on the highway. The best is when someone mentions his name. Not on his birthday or a special day but just a regular conversation when he comes up.

Life will never be what we expected but it can still be beautiful.

On the night he was born

On the night you were born

The night Griffin was born was the scariest night of my life. Not many people know the story so I thought I would share it. I finally feel ready. 

When I went in for my 20 week ultrasound my Dr told me I had placenta previa. When he saw the panic on my face though he changed it to low lying placenta. He said that my placenta was boarding my cervix but not completely covering it. He gave me no suggestions of what to do or not to do. He told me I was having a repeat c section so there was nothing to worry about. 

When I went in at 28 weeks for a repeat ultrasound the tech told me my placenta had moved up. I was relieved because I know if can cause premature birth and heavy bleeding. I still asked my doctor to confirm it would be okay because Zak was traveling a lot, we didn't know a soul in Baton Rouge and I was scared to start bleeding at home with Bennett. He assured me that would never happen. In my life things that people say will never happen still usually end up happening to me so I didn't feel to comforted by his words.  

The day I turned 33 weeks I went in for an early hair appointment. Anyone who knows me knows that I was not about to give birth with bad roots! I picked up sonic for lunch and headed home to sit in the recliner for the rest of the day. Zak had a work party that night in New Orleans that he had to attend. Every other time he had been gone my Dad had come to stay with me because I was so sick and scared. I didn't ask him this time because my sweet PaPa had just passed away 2 weeks before and I knew he was exhausted. 

Zak left around 4pm and I was laying in my bed with Bennett watching a Christmas movie. I felt terrible but I had felt that way for months so I didn't think about it. About 6 pm I got up make Bennett dinner. I set down his plate, made myself a baked potato and went and sat in the recliner. All of a sudden I felt something weird like I had peed my pants. I struggled to get up and as soon as I was standing blood started running down my legs and puddling on the floor. I panicked. I was trying to dial 911 but I kept hanging up the phone. I finally got through and the operator told me not to sit on the toilet and that was it. I went and laid on the love seat on my left side and told Bennett that mommy was sick and the ambulance was coming. I told him to go get his shoes on and his jacket. To think he was only 4 years old and did this with no questions and went to unlock the door and listened for sirens still blows my mind. When he heard them he said it's okay Mommy they are coming to help you.  I was so terrified I was going to die right in front of him. 

A ton of people came in and got me on a stretcher. They asked me if I had anyone to watch Bennett and I tearfully said no and that he had to come with me. He told me later that a fireman had gotten his backpack and put his iPad, charger and snacks in it. The same firefighter got my purse and locked up the house for me. People like that are heroes. 

I called Zak from the ambulance and he panicked and said he was on his way back. They asked me if the sirens would scare Bennett and I said no. I kept my head facing away from Bennett because I was so upset but he held

my hand the entire way to the hospital. 

He's so adorable I almost had a hard time getting the nurses attention away from him. They hooked me to the monitors and said Griffin's heart rate was fine and he wasn't in distress. They showed me the tape which ironically disappeared from my records later. But that's a different story. 

I called my Dad and they immediately headed to the hospital. 

They moved me to a room and Bennett was with the nurses at the nursing station. When Zak got there he said Bennett was standing on their desk throwing paper airplanes that they were making for him. 

After another huge bleed a doctor I had never met said he needed to deliver the baby or we would both die. He wouldn't call my doctor. They didn't try giving me steroids for his lungs. They didn't do an ultrasound. They just delivered him. I heard a little cry and then he was intubated and brought to nicu. 

My parents arrived right after he was born and took Bennett home. I told my Dad to please go in first and clean up the blood so Bennett didn't see it again. 

At the time I thought we were so lucky. I was shocked we had both survived. I had to have several units of blood a couple days later but I was okay otherwise. Griffin was off all oxygen support in a little over a week and was very big and healthy. I still think it was almost Week until I was able to hold him though which was extremely painful. 

The day after I was released from the hospital was the day of Bennett's Christmas program at preschool. I was in so much pain but I got up and got him ready and we went. I remember sitting in the audience holding back my tears as I watched my sweet boy sing his little heart out. Bennett still hadn't even met his brother. I hadn't been able to hold my baby yet or bring him home with me. I thought that was as bad as it could get. 

I will never forget how wonderful my sweet Bennett was. How mature he has always been and what a kind heart he has. I tell him all the time he saved my life that night. 

After surviving all that it's still hard to wrap my head around what happened next. 

Why I got my tubes tied

Almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant with Bowen I decided that no matter what happened I would be done with getting pregnant. As the weeks went on I became even more firm in my decision to get my tubes tied. I knew that there was no way I could go through another pregnancy. It's hard to come to the realization that no matter how many children you want to have that it is sometimes doesn't work out that way.

My pregnancies were all so hard and medically challenging each in different ways. I found it hard to connect with Bowen. I finally had tot put my grieving for Griffin aside and start to form a relationship with the baby growing inside me. That was really hard for me. I loved Bowen but was scared of him at the same time.

When the day of my c section came I signed all the paperwork for my tubal ligation with more confidence then I had felt in the beginning. I was pretty sure at that point Bowen would be healthy.  I had spent weeks lying in a hospital bed completely focused on him and his health. When he came out screaming I breathed a sigh of relief.

Ironically, as my doctor was doing the procedure and they were bringing Bowen to me he quit breathing and turned blue. They grabbed him out of my arms and thankfully I heard him immediately start crying again. In that moment though complete fear set in. I was right back to the fear I felt with Griffin and the fear I had felt the day I saw the positive pregnancy test a few months before.

I immediately detached myself from what was going on. I knew he would be going to the NICU and to me the NICU equaled never coming home. The dreams of laying in my hospital bed holding Bowen and having Bennett coming in to see him were shattered.

Zak stayed by Bowen's side those first couple of days and I'm so thankful. Finally, one special nurse told me what I needed to hear. She told me that I had done everything in my power to make sure Bowen was healthy. I had endured so much physically for him and that the problems he was having were only temporary. I had to have faith and go be with my baby. I don't think most people understand how traumatizing it is to not be able to hold your baby for days or weeks. To see all the tubes and wires. To sit in a hard chair while staring at monitors until your eyes go blurry. Learning terms and lingo for conditions you have never heard of but now rule your child's life.



Thankfully I managed to work through my anxiety and the awful pain that is a 3rd c section and we got through those 15 long days. I thought things would be better once he was home but being on the apnea monitor caused me a lot of stress. Every time anything in the house beeped I panicked. Loud noises and voices sounded ten time louder to me. I stared at the blinking lights on the machine more than I looked at Bowen. I felt relief anytime I had an excuse to leave him with Zak. I couldn't sleep unless someone had their eyes on him.

I know what I went through is normal for loss moms and with a bit of anxiety medicine and a lot of support I pulled through the overwhelming anxiety.

Now a few months later I wish I could have more babies but I know the stress it causes all of us is not something we can go through again. My health can't take it and neither can my heart.

I still get asked all the time when I'm going to have another baby. Even though I'm 35 people still seem shocked when I say no more. When they push me further I tell them I got my tubes tied to make sure no more.

Our family will never feel complete because without Griffin here it isn't but that's okay. We are blessed to have Bennett and Bowen with us and they will always know their brother.

Bennett

Bennett's 7th birthday is 5 day away. It's hard to believe that it's been 7 years since we welcomed our perfect first born into the world. He's the only one of my babies I got to hold in my hospital bed. The only baby I got to leave the hospital with upon my discharge. He's my special boy.  His birthday has always been very special to me even before knowing all that I know now. He made me a mommy. He completed a part of me that I had wanted for years.  

His first birthday was a huge deal. We had 2 parties for him and spared no expense. This birthday was a turning point in my life. I had finally made the decision to quit my job and to stay home with him full time. It was a hard decision but a few months later and my dream came true. We had a wonderful year of play dates with friends and trips back home to see my family. I'm so glad we had that time together and with my family because his second birthday would bring another big change for our family. 

We had just decided we would be moving to North Carolina right before Bennett's 2nd birthday. This was a hugely emotional decision for us. I couldn't imagine leaving all our friends and family but I was so proud of Zak for being promoted so quickly. He had worked so hard to make my dream of staying home with Bennett come true that it was my turn to be there for him and what he dreamed of. 

By Bennett's 3rd birthday we were settled in North Carolina. Things weren't perfect but we had made friends and it was a fun time. A few weeks before he turned 3 I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. We were so excited!!! I was 10 weeks the day of his party. I remember feeling so sick! I barely got through the day but I still tried to make it special for him. Little did I know then that just a few days later I would find out that my second baby had no heartbeat. We were absolutely devastated. I sometimes feel like that loss was even more traumatic than losing Griffin. Maybe because hardly anyone knew and I hid it. Maybe because I never got to hold that baby or know if it was a boy or girl. Still we pushed on. 

By Bennett's 4th birthday I was on month 7 of trying to get pregnant again. To say I was deep in the dumps is an understatement. I still planned a huge party for Bennett. He deserved the very best. My little love. I remember finding out a few days before his party that I was not pregnant that month. We also found out we would be having another big change. We would be moving to Baton Rouge that summer. I was thrilled! We wanted  to get away from the sadness in North Carolina. We needed to be closer to family and friends again. I didn't know then how much I would need that support.  A few weeks later, 2 weeks before our move,I found out I was pregnant again. 

Bennett's 5th birthday was almost too much for me to bear. We had lost sweet Griffin just a few months before. I decided I couldn't have a party that year. We didn't know very many people and his preschool class parents treated me like the plague. I did get him a cake and we went out to dinner. I don't know if I even would have been able to do that much without my friend Niki by my side. I couldn't believe that in less than a year Griffin had come and gone. I wrote this on my phone on Bennett's birthday:

Bennett is 5 today. Five years ago by body did this right.  Five years ago I had a healthy full term baby boy.  Why 5 years later my body didn't work right? Griffin should be 4 months old. I should be exhausted from a newborn. Not from grief. It's not fair. 

When I read it now I see what a dark place I was in. 

Soon after his 5th birthday we decided to move back to Houston. We needed another change. We needed our friends back for support. We needed to be in the last place we were truly happy. I went back to work. Bennett started kindergarten. We saw old friends and made new friends. We were settled and trying to see the light again. 

Right before Bennett's 6th birthday we got the surprise of finding out we were pregnant again. I couldn't believe it! We had gone back and forth about trying again. Zak had been against it from the beginning. We couldn't bear another loss so great. I was actually starting to agree with him when he had a change of heart. This change of heart I mostly credit to our sweet little neighbor Jaden. A cute and curious little 1 year old that we both fell in love with. We decided to start trying in the summer since I had gotten pregnant with Bennett in August. I remember that March day I had gotten up very early for a 7am meeting at one of my banks. After the meeting I went to fix a machine for a customer. I remember feeling funny. Off in some way. Also, I was starving. I usually could go a whole day without eating if I was busy working. I stopped and got food on my way home. I called Zak and randomly he said "We are going to have another baby."  I joked with him asking if HE was pregnant. That night at 9pm I found a pregnancy test that I had from who knows when and when it turned positive before I could even blink I almost passed out! 10 tests later I think it started to sink in. The day of Bennett's party I started having the same issues I had with Griffin in the beginning but I pushed on to make it a good day for B. 

Now with his 7th birthday so close this is the first year I feel like I can breath again. Bowen is here and healthy. Zak loves his job. We aren't moving. I'm not pregnant. Bennett is, as always, amazing in every way. I hope one day he realizes how many times and ways he has saved me. Saved my heart from turning bitter. He is such a wonderful boy. I hope he knows how hard I tried even through my sadness to make him feel special. I hope he always feels my love for him. It's amazing what a year can do. 

The first half

I've sat down to write this several times. This story. This story of our life, of his life. Of this life we are forced to live. Of our blessings and our losses. What keeps stopping me? Fear. A simple word with so many powerful backlashes. Fear of judgement. Fear of admitting failure. Fear of really realizing this is my life now.

I have always wanted, more than anything else, to be a mother. I dreamed of it far more than I dreamed of weddings or success. More than perfect marriages and wealth. At the age of 26 it all fell into place. Rapidly. I met Zak and the ball of perfection began to roll. It definitely hit its bumps but all minor in comparison to what it brought with it on its wild ride.  So the check marks came fast for me. College degree-check. Amazing job-check. Perfect spouse- check. New home and nice cars-check. Then 3 months after the perfect wedding the biggest plus of all. The plus that comes on a home pregnancy test. It came so easily. No planning, no really trying that only people who have tried can understand. One fairly uncomplicated pregnancy completed with a safe but terrifying birth day  and he was here. Bennett. My beautiful boy. Everything I have ever hoped for and dreamed of all wrapped up in a beautiful blanket of perfection.

Many things hit the back burner after the arrival of my sweet boy. Some I happily admit to some I regret throwing back there. After a tortured year of being a working mom, of days sitting in the daycare parking lot crying my husband made my dream come true. I quit my job which had once given me such pride and satisfaction for a job I new I was always meant to have. Stay at home mommy! This "job" comes with many opinions from people. The people who think your lazy, the ones who think you should pop out 3 more kids to justify not making an income, the ones who think your crazy and overprotective.  I didn't care about any of that. I loved being home with my boy. My only child. My most precious possession.

While I know every mom sees their child in a light of perfection I have to admit through good genes, good parenting or simply by good luck Bennett was perfection. Well behaved, easily adaptable, charming to no end. He was the center of our lives.  I have to admit that for those first years I couldn't imagine wanting another child. I had hit the lottery. But after a move to a new state that seemed to be
the childbirth capital of the world that "is he your only one" phrase began to eat at me. Shouldn't I want more? Shouldn't he have a sibling? We had all the "things" we needed to have more children.
We were young, my husband was successful and a great provider. Didn't we owe all that to more children? Easy as that right? Done. Decision made. Operation next baby begins here.

We had always practiced "natural family planning" so it should be easy. Nothing to stop taking or have removed. Month one passed-fail. Month two passed-fail. Month three- baby on board! I laugh now thinking of how devastated I was that it had taken So long!"


Everything was great. 6 week appointment and we saw our little nugget. Tucked away with its little heart beating away. Instant love.  Innocence. Don't think to ask that he said 6 weeks when I thought I should be 7. Don't think to ask what the bpm was. Would it have foreshadowed what happened? Maybe. Could it have prevented anything? Probably not. 5 more weeks of innocence.

I scheduled my 11 week appointment at 8am. 4 days after Bennett's 3rd birthday and 4 days before my 32nd birthday. Early morning appointment scheduling is so not like me. We are not morning people. So the morning was a bit hectic. Husband cranky. Son cranky. Mommy trying not to scream at everyone. This day was important. I was worried. But I was always worried. I have a generally pessimistic nature. Usually things go on working out perfectly even through my stomach churning with dread. Not this time. Not today. The dr brought in the Doppler. No heartbeat found. Still we were told not to worry. Yeah right. In comes the portable ultrasound machine. The one that just a few weeks earlier in that very room had showed a beautiful heartbeat now showed our worst nightmare. A perfectly formed 8 week "fetus" that had stopped growing weeks ago. No signs. How did I not know?

I think the aftermath of a miscarriage is something that no one really understands unless they have been there. People don't understand the sadness, loss and disappointment that you feel even though you only knew this baby for a few shorts weeks. You never saw their face or held them. I think the worst part of the miscarriage for me was the hiding. I felt like a huge failure. Like I had done something to be ashamed of. I didn't want to give people the opportunity to hurt me. Intentionally or unintentionally it hurts just the same though. A lot of the people in my life at that time hurt me deeply. It was the darkest time of my life. I tried to be happy for Bennett though.

There are so many details I can't even write about. Bad news texts messages, phone calls made from my "safe place" which is always my closet. The worst birthday weekend ever.  The recovery. Then the hiding. The mask. The fake smile that everything is okay. To those who knew and those who never knew. Months filled with hope then let down. Months revolving around no caffeine, no medications, no alcohol and lots of things I'm embarrassed to admit. All with the goal of our rainbow baby. The beautiful term for a healthy baby after a loss.


These were hard days. The phrase is he your only child stung my heart more than ever before. I felt like a failure. Not really a mommy even though I had a living breathing beautiful "only child". I remember having full on meltdowns after both times Bennett's preschool teachers congratulated me on a new baby they thought was coming supposedly by something Bennett had said. Bennett was still my shining light through this whole year. My sweet little love who gave me hope.  I felt guilty feeling like he wasn't enough when he was everything.

 

 

 

 

 

Month 9 came. May 2013. The month before we were moving again. The month we decided to relax and start trying again when we were settled in our new city. The month I got pregnant again. The last day of preschool was the day I got those 2 pink lines. The day I hit my knees and prayed to God to let me keep this one.