Almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant with Bowen I decided that no matter what happened I would be done with getting pregnant. As the weeks went on I became even more firm in my decision to get my tubes tied. I knew that there was no way I could go through another pregnancy. It's hard to come to the realization that no matter how many children you want to have that it is sometimes doesn't work out that way.
My pregnancies were all so hard and medically challenging each in different ways. I found it hard to connect with Bowen. I finally had tot put my grieving for Griffin aside and start to form a relationship with the baby growing inside me. That was really hard for me. I loved Bowen but was scared of him at the same time.
When the day of my c section came I signed all the paperwork for my tubal ligation with more confidence then I had felt in the beginning. I was pretty sure at that point Bowen would be healthy. I had spent weeks lying in a hospital bed completely focused on him and his health. When he came out screaming I breathed a sigh of relief.
Ironically, as my doctor was doing the procedure and they were bringing Bowen to me he quit breathing and turned blue. They grabbed him out of my arms and thankfully I heard him immediately start crying again. In that moment though complete fear set in. I was right back to the fear I felt with Griffin and the fear I had felt the day I saw the positive pregnancy test a few months before.
I immediately detached myself from what was going on. I knew he would be going to the NICU and to me the NICU equaled never coming home. The dreams of laying in my hospital bed holding Bowen and having Bennett coming in to see him were shattered.
Zak stayed by Bowen's side those first couple of days and I'm so thankful. Finally, one special nurse told me what I needed to hear. She told me that I had done everything in my power to make sure Bowen was healthy. I had endured so much physically for him and that the problems he was having were only temporary. I had to have faith and go be with my baby. I don't think most people understand how traumatizing it is to not be able to hold your baby for days or weeks. To see all the tubes and wires. To sit in a hard chair while staring at monitors until your eyes go blurry. Learning terms and lingo for conditions you have never heard of but now rule your child's life.
Thankfully I managed to work through my anxiety and the awful pain that is a 3rd c section and we got through those 15 long days. I thought things would be better once he was home but being on the apnea monitor caused me a lot of stress. Every time anything in the house beeped I panicked. Loud noises and voices sounded ten time louder to me. I stared at the blinking lights on the machine more than I looked at Bowen. I felt relief anytime I had an excuse to leave him with Zak. I couldn't sleep unless someone had their eyes on him.
I know what I went through is normal for loss moms and with a bit of anxiety medicine and a lot of support I pulled through the overwhelming anxiety.
Now a few months later I wish I could have more babies but I know the stress it causes all of us is not something we can go through again. My health can't take it and neither can my heart.
I still get asked all the time when I'm going to have another baby. Even though I'm 35 people still seem shocked when I say no more. When they push me further I tell them I got my tubes tied to make sure no more.
Our family will never feel complete because without Griffin here it isn't but that's okay. We are blessed to have Bennett and Bowen with us and they will always know their brother.
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