My middle son.

As Griffin’s 4th heavenly Birthday gets closer I have been thinking about all the things that remind me of him daily. Things that make me realize how tied into our family he truly is.

All of our boys were born around holidays. Bennett right after Easter, Griffin before Christmas and Bowen in between Halloween and Thanksgiving. My little holiday babies.

Their birth days are 12, 14 and 15. I was going to wait until the 16th to have Bowen but that didn’t work out. They were all early. 2 weeks, 7 weeks and 4 weeks.

They would be 8, 4 and 2 soon. My niece Stella and Griffin would both be 4 for a few months. I never Really let it sink in how close in age they are. I know they would be the best of friends.

We always wonder what he would be like now. Calm and sweet like Bennett or wild and crazy like Bowen. Would his hair have lightened to blonde like Bowen or stayed dark like Bennett’s. What would life be like with 3 boys? Would we have even had Bowen?

It’s hard losing your middle child. You lose a big part of your family story. The loss is punctuated by the 6 years between our oldest and youngest that people always comment on. We have one child who knew him and one who never did. Even though Bennett was super young he will always share memories with us that Bowen won’t have. I regret not letting Bennett spend more time with him. I refeeat A lot of people both friends and family that never got to meet him.

A lot of regrets weigh heavily on me to this day but when I see signs from him it helps calm the anxiety. Finding a penny in a strange place, a helicopter flying over, a truck emblazoned with his name driving by me on the highway. The best is when someone mentions his name. Not on his birthday or a special day but just a regular conversation when he comes up.

Life will never be what we expected but it can still be beautiful.

On the night he was born

On the night you were born

The night Griffin was born was the scariest night of my life. Not many people know the story so I thought I would share it. I finally feel ready. 

When I went in for my 20 week ultrasound my Dr told me I had placenta previa. When he saw the panic on my face though he changed it to low lying placenta. He said that my placenta was boarding my cervix but not completely covering it. He gave me no suggestions of what to do or not to do. He told me I was having a repeat c section so there was nothing to worry about. 

When I went in at 28 weeks for a repeat ultrasound the tech told me my placenta had moved up. I was relieved because I know if can cause premature birth and heavy bleeding. I still asked my doctor to confirm it would be okay because Zak was traveling a lot, we didn't know a soul in Baton Rouge and I was scared to start bleeding at home with Bennett. He assured me that would never happen. In my life things that people say will never happen still usually end up happening to me so I didn't feel to comforted by his words.  

The day I turned 33 weeks I went in for an early hair appointment. Anyone who knows me knows that I was not about to give birth with bad roots! I picked up sonic for lunch and headed home to sit in the recliner for the rest of the day. Zak had a work party that night in New Orleans that he had to attend. Every other time he had been gone my Dad had come to stay with me because I was so sick and scared. I didn't ask him this time because my sweet PaPa had just passed away 2 weeks before and I knew he was exhausted. 

Zak left around 4pm and I was laying in my bed with Bennett watching a Christmas movie. I felt terrible but I had felt that way for months so I didn't think about it. About 6 pm I got up make Bennett dinner. I set down his plate, made myself a baked potato and went and sat in the recliner. All of a sudden I felt something weird like I had peed my pants. I struggled to get up and as soon as I was standing blood started running down my legs and puddling on the floor. I panicked. I was trying to dial 911 but I kept hanging up the phone. I finally got through and the operator told me not to sit on the toilet and that was it. I went and laid on the love seat on my left side and told Bennett that mommy was sick and the ambulance was coming. I told him to go get his shoes on and his jacket. To think he was only 4 years old and did this with no questions and went to unlock the door and listened for sirens still blows my mind. When he heard them he said it's okay Mommy they are coming to help you.  I was so terrified I was going to die right in front of him. 

A ton of people came in and got me on a stretcher. They asked me if I had anyone to watch Bennett and I tearfully said no and that he had to come with me. He told me later that a fireman had gotten his backpack and put his iPad, charger and snacks in it. The same firefighter got my purse and locked up the house for me. People like that are heroes. 

I called Zak from the ambulance and he panicked and said he was on his way back. They asked me if the sirens would scare Bennett and I said no. I kept my head facing away from Bennett because I was so upset but he held

my hand the entire way to the hospital. 

He's so adorable I almost had a hard time getting the nurses attention away from him. They hooked me to the monitors and said Griffin's heart rate was fine and he wasn't in distress. They showed me the tape which ironically disappeared from my records later. But that's a different story. 

I called my Dad and they immediately headed to the hospital. 

They moved me to a room and Bennett was with the nurses at the nursing station. When Zak got there he said Bennett was standing on their desk throwing paper airplanes that they were making for him. 

After another huge bleed a doctor I had never met said he needed to deliver the baby or we would both die. He wouldn't call my doctor. They didn't try giving me steroids for his lungs. They didn't do an ultrasound. They just delivered him. I heard a little cry and then he was intubated and brought to nicu. 

My parents arrived right after he was born and took Bennett home. I told my Dad to please go in first and clean up the blood so Bennett didn't see it again. 

At the time I thought we were so lucky. I was shocked we had both survived. I had to have several units of blood a couple days later but I was okay otherwise. Griffin was off all oxygen support in a little over a week and was very big and healthy. I still think it was almost Week until I was able to hold him though which was extremely painful. 

The day after I was released from the hospital was the day of Bennett's Christmas program at preschool. I was in so much pain but I got up and got him ready and we went. I remember sitting in the audience holding back my tears as I watched my sweet boy sing his little heart out. Bennett still hadn't even met his brother. I hadn't been able to hold my baby yet or bring him home with me. I thought that was as bad as it could get. 

I will never forget how wonderful my sweet Bennett was. How mature he has always been and what a kind heart he has. I tell him all the time he saved my life that night. 

After surviving all that it's still hard to wrap my head around what happened next.