As Griffin’s 4th heavenly Birthday gets closer I have been thinking about all the things that remind me of him daily. Things that make me realize how tied into our family he truly is.
All of our boys were born around holidays. Bennett right after Easter, Griffin before Christmas and Bowen in between Halloween and Thanksgiving. My little holiday babies.
Their birth days are 12, 14 and 15. I was going to wait until the 16th to have Bowen but that didn’t work out. They were all early. 2 weeks, 7 weeks and 4 weeks.
They would be 8, 4 and 2 soon. My niece Stella and Griffin would both be 4 for a few months. I never Really let it sink in how close in age they are. I know they would be the best of friends.
We always wonder what he would be like now. Calm and sweet like Bennett or wild and crazy like Bowen. Would his hair have lightened to blonde like Bowen or stayed dark like Bennett’s. What would life be like with 3 boys? Would we have even had Bowen?
It’s hard losing your middle child. You lose a big part of your family story. The loss is punctuated by the 6 years between our oldest and youngest that people always comment on. We have one child who knew him and one who never did. Even though Bennett was super young he will always share memories with us that Bowen won’t have. I regret not letting Bennett spend more time with him. I refeeat A lot of people both friends and family that never got to meet him.
A lot of regrets weigh heavily on me to this day but when I see signs from him it helps calm the anxiety. Finding a penny in a strange place, a helicopter flying over, a truck emblazoned with his name driving by me on the highway. The best is when someone mentions his name. Not on his birthday or a special day but just a regular conversation when he comes up.
Life will never be what we expected but it can still be beautiful.
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