On Friendship

I haven't cried in a long time, but last night I did. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not good enough. I have lost so many friends since Griffin died and every time it hurts worse. I'm not saying they were all lost because he died but because I changed due to his death. I've done my best to stay the same but it's impossible when you go through such a traumatic and life altering loss. I feel like it's so easy for people to toss me aside like I never even mattered. I try so hard to be strong but the weight of it all is too much. 

I may be too blunt sometimes or cuss way to much or be too emotional but that's just who I am and it shouldn't negate the good parts of me. Even with those faults I know I am a good friend. I won't judge you or put your down. I won't fold to other peoples perceptions about you. I'm not fake. I'm not a bully. I don't try to be something I'm not or portray my life in a way that it's not to make others feel bad. I'm truly happy for my friends when anything good come their way. I would do anything for my friends and I always try to bring people together. 

But I'm still too much for some people and it hurts to be excluded, even when you are an adult. Making new friends has been really hard which makes losing the old ones even worse. It has taken very special people to love us through a loss that they weren't a part of and accept Griffin even though they never knew him. I'm so grateful for those people. 

Life is messy and if you spend your time only trying to show the good parts you are going to miss out on a lot of lessons. I was forced to show my complete vulnerability and it's been painful but it's made me a more caring person. 

I guess I wrote this to document how I feel right now so that I can hopefully look back one day from a better place. I also want people to know that being selectively kind is not really being a kind person and pretending to be a good person does not make you one.