Almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant with Bowen I decided that no matter what happened I would be done with getting pregnant. As the weeks went on I became even more firm in my decision to get my tubes tied. I knew that there was no way I could go through another pregnancy. It's hard to come to the realization that no matter how many children you want to have that it is sometimes doesn't work out that way.
My pregnancies were all so hard and medically challenging each in different ways. I found it hard to connect with Bowen. I finally had tot put my grieving for Griffin aside and start to form a relationship with the baby growing inside me. That was really hard for me. I loved Bowen but was scared of him at the same time.
When the day of my c section came I signed all the paperwork for my tubal ligation with more confidence then I had felt in the beginning. I was pretty sure at that point Bowen would be healthy. I had spent weeks lying in a hospital bed completely focused on him and his health. When he came out screaming I breathed a sigh of relief.
Ironically, as my doctor was doing the procedure and they were bringing Bowen to me he quit breathing and turned blue. They grabbed him out of my arms and thankfully I heard him immediately start crying again. In that moment though complete fear set in. I was right back to the fear I felt with Griffin and the fear I had felt the day I saw the positive pregnancy test a few months before.
I immediately detached myself from what was going on. I knew he would be going to the NICU and to me the NICU equaled never coming home. The dreams of laying in my hospital bed holding Bowen and having Bennett coming in to see him were shattered.
Zak stayed by Bowen's side those first couple of days and I'm so thankful. Finally, one special nurse told me what I needed to hear. She told me that I had done everything in my power to make sure Bowen was healthy. I had endured so much physically for him and that the problems he was having were only temporary. I had to have faith and go be with my baby. I don't think most people understand how traumatizing it is to not be able to hold your baby for days or weeks. To see all the tubes and wires. To sit in a hard chair while staring at monitors until your eyes go blurry. Learning terms and lingo for conditions you have never heard of but now rule your child's life.
Thankfully I managed to work through my anxiety and the awful pain that is a 3rd c section and we got through those 15 long days. I thought things would be better once he was home but being on the apnea monitor caused me a lot of stress. Every time anything in the house beeped I panicked. Loud noises and voices sounded ten time louder to me. I stared at the blinking lights on the machine more than I looked at Bowen. I felt relief anytime I had an excuse to leave him with Zak. I couldn't sleep unless someone had their eyes on him.
I know what I went through is normal for loss moms and with a bit of anxiety medicine and a lot of support I pulled through the overwhelming anxiety.
Now a few months later I wish I could have more babies but I know the stress it causes all of us is not something we can go through again. My health can't take it and neither can my heart.
I still get asked all the time when I'm going to have another baby. Even though I'm 35 people still seem shocked when I say no more. When they push me further I tell them I got my tubes tied to make sure no more.
Our family will never feel complete because without Griffin here it isn't but that's okay. We are blessed to have Bennett and Bowen with us and they will always know their brother.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Monday, April 11, 2016
Bennett
Bennett's 7th birthday is 5 day away. It's hard to believe that it's been 7 years since we welcomed our perfect first born into the world. He's the only one of my babies I got to hold in my hospital bed. The only baby I got to leave the hospital with upon my discharge. He's my special boy. His birthday has always been very special to me even before knowing all that I know now. He made me a mommy. He completed a part of me that I had wanted for years.
His first birthday was a huge deal. We had 2 parties for him and spared no expense. This birthday was a turning point in my life. I had finally made the decision to quit my job and to stay home with him full time. It was a hard decision but a few months later and my dream came true. We had a wonderful year of play dates with friends and trips back home to see my family. I'm so glad we had that time together and with my family because his second birthday would bring another big change for our family.
We had just decided we would be moving to North Carolina right before Bennett's 2nd birthday. This was a hugely emotional decision for us. I couldn't imagine leaving all our friends and family but I was so proud of Zak for being promoted so quickly. He had worked so hard to make my dream of staying home with Bennett come true that it was my turn to be there for him and what he dreamed of.
By Bennett's 3rd birthday we were settled in North Carolina. Things weren't perfect but we had made friends and it was a fun time. A few weeks before he turned 3 I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. We were so excited!!! I was 10 weeks the day of his party. I remember feeling so sick! I barely got through the day but I still tried to make it special for him. Little did I know then that just a few days later I would find out that my second baby had no heartbeat. We were absolutely devastated. I sometimes feel like that loss was even more traumatic than losing Griffin. Maybe because hardly anyone knew and I hid it. Maybe because I never got to hold that baby or know if it was a boy or girl. Still we pushed on.
By Bennett's 4th birthday I was on month 7 of trying to get pregnant again. To say I was deep in the dumps is an understatement. I still planned a huge party for Bennett. He deserved the very best. My little love. I remember finding out a few days before his party that I was not pregnant that month. We also found out we would be having another big change. We would be moving to Baton Rouge that summer. I was thrilled! We wanted to get away from the sadness in North Carolina. We needed to be closer to family and friends again. I didn't know then how much I would need that support. A few weeks later, 2 weeks before our move,I found out I was pregnant again.
Bennett's 5th birthday was almost too much for me to bear. We had lost sweet Griffin just a few months before. I decided I couldn't have a party that year. We didn't know very many people and his preschool class parents treated me like the plague. I did get him a cake and we went out to dinner. I don't know if I even would have been able to do that much without my friend Niki by my side. I couldn't believe that in less than a year Griffin had come and gone. I wrote this on my phone on Bennett's birthday:
Bennett is 5 today. Five years ago by body did this right. Five years ago I had a healthy full term baby boy. Why 5 years later my body didn't work right? Griffin should be 4 months old. I should be exhausted from a newborn. Not from grief. It's not fair.
When I read it now I see what a dark place I was in.
Soon after his 5th birthday we decided to move back to Houston. We needed another change. We needed our friends back for support. We needed to be in the last place we were truly happy. I went back to work. Bennett started kindergarten. We saw old friends and made new friends. We were settled and trying to see the light again.
Right before Bennett's 6th birthday we got the surprise of finding out we were pregnant again. I couldn't believe it! We had gone back and forth about trying again. Zak had been against it from the beginning. We couldn't bear another loss so great. I was actually starting to agree with him when he had a change of heart. This change of heart I mostly credit to our sweet little neighbor Jaden. A cute and curious little 1 year old that we both fell in love with. We decided to start trying in the summer since I had gotten pregnant with Bennett in August. I remember that March day I had gotten up very early for a 7am meeting at one of my banks. After the meeting I went to fix a machine for a customer. I remember feeling funny. Off in some way. Also, I was starving. I usually could go a whole day without eating if I was busy working. I stopped and got food on my way home. I called Zak and randomly he said "We are going to have another baby." I joked with him asking if HE was pregnant. That night at 9pm I found a pregnancy test that I had from who knows when and when it turned positive before I could even blink I almost passed out! 10 tests later I think it started to sink in. The day of Bennett's party I started having the same issues I had with Griffin in the beginning but I pushed on to make it a good day for B.
Now with his 7th birthday so close this is the first year I feel like I can breath again. Bowen is here and healthy. Zak loves his job. We aren't moving. I'm not pregnant. Bennett is, as always, amazing in every way. I hope one day he realizes how many times and ways he has saved me. Saved my heart from turning bitter. He is such a wonderful boy. I hope he knows how hard I tried even through my sadness to make him feel special. I hope he always feels my love for him. It's amazing what a year can do.
His first birthday was a huge deal. We had 2 parties for him and spared no expense. This birthday was a turning point in my life. I had finally made the decision to quit my job and to stay home with him full time. It was a hard decision but a few months later and my dream came true. We had a wonderful year of play dates with friends and trips back home to see my family. I'm so glad we had that time together and with my family because his second birthday would bring another big change for our family.
We had just decided we would be moving to North Carolina right before Bennett's 2nd birthday. This was a hugely emotional decision for us. I couldn't imagine leaving all our friends and family but I was so proud of Zak for being promoted so quickly. He had worked so hard to make my dream of staying home with Bennett come true that it was my turn to be there for him and what he dreamed of.
By Bennett's 3rd birthday we were settled in North Carolina. Things weren't perfect but we had made friends and it was a fun time. A few weeks before he turned 3 I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. We were so excited!!! I was 10 weeks the day of his party. I remember feeling so sick! I barely got through the day but I still tried to make it special for him. Little did I know then that just a few days later I would find out that my second baby had no heartbeat. We were absolutely devastated. I sometimes feel like that loss was even more traumatic than losing Griffin. Maybe because hardly anyone knew and I hid it. Maybe because I never got to hold that baby or know if it was a boy or girl. Still we pushed on.
By Bennett's 4th birthday I was on month 7 of trying to get pregnant again. To say I was deep in the dumps is an understatement. I still planned a huge party for Bennett. He deserved the very best. My little love. I remember finding out a few days before his party that I was not pregnant that month. We also found out we would be having another big change. We would be moving to Baton Rouge that summer. I was thrilled! We wanted to get away from the sadness in North Carolina. We needed to be closer to family and friends again. I didn't know then how much I would need that support. A few weeks later, 2 weeks before our move,I found out I was pregnant again.
Bennett's 5th birthday was almost too much for me to bear. We had lost sweet Griffin just a few months before. I decided I couldn't have a party that year. We didn't know very many people and his preschool class parents treated me like the plague. I did get him a cake and we went out to dinner. I don't know if I even would have been able to do that much without my friend Niki by my side. I couldn't believe that in less than a year Griffin had come and gone. I wrote this on my phone on Bennett's birthday:
Bennett is 5 today. Five years ago by body did this right. Five years ago I had a healthy full term baby boy. Why 5 years later my body didn't work right? Griffin should be 4 months old. I should be exhausted from a newborn. Not from grief. It's not fair.
When I read it now I see what a dark place I was in.
Soon after his 5th birthday we decided to move back to Houston. We needed another change. We needed our friends back for support. We needed to be in the last place we were truly happy. I went back to work. Bennett started kindergarten. We saw old friends and made new friends. We were settled and trying to see the light again.
Right before Bennett's 6th birthday we got the surprise of finding out we were pregnant again. I couldn't believe it! We had gone back and forth about trying again. Zak had been against it from the beginning. We couldn't bear another loss so great. I was actually starting to agree with him when he had a change of heart. This change of heart I mostly credit to our sweet little neighbor Jaden. A cute and curious little 1 year old that we both fell in love with. We decided to start trying in the summer since I had gotten pregnant with Bennett in August. I remember that March day I had gotten up very early for a 7am meeting at one of my banks. After the meeting I went to fix a machine for a customer. I remember feeling funny. Off in some way. Also, I was starving. I usually could go a whole day without eating if I was busy working. I stopped and got food on my way home. I called Zak and randomly he said "We are going to have another baby." I joked with him asking if HE was pregnant. That night at 9pm I found a pregnancy test that I had from who knows when and when it turned positive before I could even blink I almost passed out! 10 tests later I think it started to sink in. The day of Bennett's party I started having the same issues I had with Griffin in the beginning but I pushed on to make it a good day for B.
Now with his 7th birthday so close this is the first year I feel like I can breath again. Bowen is here and healthy. Zak loves his job. We aren't moving. I'm not pregnant. Bennett is, as always, amazing in every way. I hope one day he realizes how many times and ways he has saved me. Saved my heart from turning bitter. He is such a wonderful boy. I hope he knows how hard I tried even through my sadness to make him feel special. I hope he always feels my love for him. It's amazing what a year can do.
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